Andy Todd
My made-up life: tall tales and short stories
Topical jokes (Dec)

3226980160_a6855080e7_mMy favourite Twitter topical jokes for December:

  • Ian Watkins appeared in court with two girls who could not be named for legal reasons – if they were found innocent it would be cruel to label them Lost Prophets fans.
  • Kim Kardashian is pregnant. The child is expected to air midseason 2013.
  • Ewan McGregor was awarded an OBE. He would’ve got a CBE in the Honours List but the Queen still hasn’t forgiven him for Charley Boorman.
  • There was a media outcry over stories that ex-Italien Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was paying his ex-wife £30m a year. Why the fuss? It’s not the first women he’s paid. Nor the last. Or, with his looks, the most.
  • The Hobbit was released. It has more extra parts than The Ladyboys Of Bangkok.
  • The Impossible with Ewan McGregor is a film about one man’s struggle to speak in any accent but his own.
  • Scotland – the only country in the world where the ‘how we met’ story starts with a serious sexual assault on New Year’s Eve #ScotlandHour
  • 5.5m bought 50 Shades of Grey in the UK. Not only does your mum know what fisting is, but you now know why your dad washes his hands with Domest
  • Boxing Day should be called ‘how do I connect my new tablet/ereader/phone to the flipping wifi day’.
  •  What was the most popular present at Hogwarts this year? A wandsie.
  • The Times reported that gay marriage could tear the Tory party apart. Good.
  • Hospitalised at 92 years old, Nelson Mandela must have thought that Christmas 2012 would be his last. Or, at his age, he may think it’s his first.
  • After the Spice Girls musical was announced Irish girl band B*Witched said they would release a musical too. It’ll feature all their hits and starts at 7:00, 7:05; 7:10; 7:15; 7:20; 7:25; 7:30…
  •  The Queen’s Christmas message will be in 3D. It will also have a evil grasping CGI Gollum. Or, as the Queen calls it, ‘Carol Middleton’.
  •  In America almost 2m saw Coldplay live last year and, yet, no one  thought to shoot to kill?!  Dear US, please use your lax gun laws for good
  • I’d give my left leg to be a Paralympian.
  •  In Northern Spain the Hobbit stars Bilbao Baggins.
  • After Google said it would not pay more tax for it’s offshore schemes. HMRC said it would use Apple Maps to show Luxembourg is next to Basingstoke.
  • Over 700k babies are born every year in the UK but only 1 expects me to bow just because it walks in a room. That’s why that baby is a c*nt.
  • If the Leveson report doesn’t start with a large red banner headline ‘WORLD EXCLUSIVE!’ he has learnt nothing from the press.

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