The best of the topical Twitter topical jokes for September:

After his affair with Patsy Kensit, Ally McCoist is starting to regret his promise to his wife that he would never play away from home again.

Nevermind #JeremyHunt, it’s not too bad – according to the Ministry of Transport the time limit for abortion should be six months before conception. On the plus side, according to Jeremy, any women applying for an abortion will also get free Sky TV and Broadband.

At the end of the #HulkHogan sex tape he withdraws with a cry of ‘Hulk Out!’ Which is scary but better than ‘Hulk Smash!’

The Civil Service have blamed the West Coast rail fiasco on a Whitehall ‘brain drain’. A spokesman said ‘Mathz make brain hurt, innit’.

Fred The Shed was having a secret affair when RBS collapsed. I want it to be with a man so that I can read the headline Brokebank Mountain.

Scandal. Sex. Weird. 3 factors that make a new story. If you want to be famous – fuck a dog that looks like Hitler.

Europe is so deep in recession you can see Australia.

Gangnam style is the collective noun for a group of footballers, a single hooker and a hotel room in Hanoi.

True fact: #Gangnam style is Korean for the Macarena. #psy

Looking on the bright side, at least the bigots have “Innocence” and “Muslim” in the same sentance. #smallsteps

Now I know why #Rangers are crap – Ally McCoist was using Apple Maps to find his first win away from home. #celtic #celticfamily

#mrsjesus ‘when I tell you I’ve got a headache I don’t want you to cure me I want you keep your hands to yourself!’

‘you can turn water into wine but you never remember to pick up the bloody milk, do you Jesus?’ #mrsjesus #womenarefromvenusmenarefromheavan

Researchers have discovered written evidence that Jesus had a wife. They’ve found the to do list she gave him.

Now an Irish paper has also published a picture of a pair royal tits – its a photo of Princes Andrew and Edward.

#AllyMcCoist is doing all he can to stop #Rangers being stripped of their titles by making sure they don’t win another one. #celtic #spl

New #radio1 breakfast DJ Nick Grimshaw has been told to play twice as much music as #chrismoyles. Some days he may even play 3 songs.

If the Middle East erupts over controversial US film ‘Innocence of the Muslims’ please God don’t show them Citizen Khan

The Sun claims the police misled it about #Hillsborough. I assume The Sun will now want its bung money back from the officers who lied.

Take out #KeithLemon with one shot to the head then get rid of body in a black bin bag. That my friends is the true meaning of ‘bang tidy’

How do you know what Lady Gaga ate for lunch? Poke her faeces

Matt Smith is so arrogant they’re going to change the title to Dr Don’t You Know Who I Am!!! #drwho #doctorwho

All my politically incorrect gags refer to George Osbourne as Foreign Secretary. #actuallythechancellor #importanttofactcheck

#Rangers fans: if you buy two copies of ‘Downfall’, @Pmacgiollabhain’s book on Rangers, you get the second tax free. #duelcontracts #celtic

George Osborne handing out medals to #paralympians is like King Herod judging the bonniest baby in Bethlehem. #Paralympics2012

George Osborne is meeting #paralympians, or, as he calls them ’100% fully able bodied jobseekers’ #Paralympics

Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit has more unnecessary parts than The Ladyboys Of Bangkok

Last night’s #gop12 saw Clint Eastwood share the stage with an inanimate object: Mitt Romney.

Dear Mitt Romney, as a Mormon & a billionaire could you solve high unemployment by marrying all the single women looking for jobs? #GOP2012

An Indian company has release a cream to restore a girl’s virginity. They’ve called it ‘Oil of No-lay’

#keithlemon is not the worst movie of all time, Anna Karenina has Kiera Kneightly and Jude Law.The acting equivalent of coming out both ends

500 years ago the Catholic church denounced a round earth. After that booboo I’d keep my head down for a millennium or two.#gaymarriage

Scottish Catholic priests have read out a letter condemning #gaymarriage. Disgraceful! The Church should get with modern times -and use email

Gutted to hear about #LanceArmstrong. He was an inspiration and knowing he’s cheated has complete ruined Dodgeball for me!