Andy Todd
My made-up life: tall tales and short stories
Topical jokes August
Categories: Opinion, Tall Tale

Best of Twitter for July and August:

  • Looking closely at the photos of Prince Harry naked you can see a tattoo of the Queen on thigh – either that or it’s his scrotum.
  • Sarah Palin says Julien Assange should be “hunted down like a terrorist.” Given the US’s record at capturing terrorists that means he should have 10 years before he’s caught.
  • Prime Minister David Cameron is too posh to say pussy. He wants to free ‘Front Bottom Riot’.
  • As the season begins, it’s worth remembering that many football supporters are die hard fans. They also love Moonlighting and 12 Monkeys. But not Hudson Hawk. It’s shit
  • Every time George Osborne says the Coalition must concentrate ’110% on the economy’ I try and forget that he’s meant to be good at maths.
  • 83 million Facebook accounts are fake. Philadelphia P. Burgerking likes this!
  • Academics say 45% of budhist monks are obese. It turns out they don’t have a vow of silence – they just don’t speak with their mouths full.
  • Twilight star  Kristen Stewart confessed she’d been cheating on Robert Pattison. She been reading The Hunger Games behind his back.
  • The press criticise Nick Clegg for employing 14 special advisors but that’s unfair, he’s just getting used to the number of MPs he’ll lead after the next election.
  • If the country splits in two because of civil war we should call them Syria and Syria-B
  • Only 1 cop in a 1000 has been convicted of a death in custody. The Met has 999 problems but avoiding police brutality charges ain’t one
  • I can’t wait to see Batman use Viagra in The Dark Knight Rises. Or rip off *that twist* from the Crying Game in the Dark Knight Surprises.
  • Today is Nelson Mandela’s birthday. At 91 he must wonder if it will be his last. Or, more likely, at his age he thinks it’s his first.
  • “Top US motivational author Dr Covey has died” – Way to go, Dr Covey, I always knew you’d do it one day!
  • The police switched off Paul McCartney’s microphone at a Bruce Springsteen gig after the ex-Beatle played too long. Too right! They should have switched it off in 1972.
  • Chris Moyles leaving Radio 1 is like a really good fart. The anticipation is just as good as the release.
  • And finally, Susan Boyle and an honorary degree go together like Kerry Katona’s legs – that’s to say, they really don’t f**king go together.

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