Andy Todd
My made-up life: tall tales and short stories
Topical Olympic jokes
Categories: Opinion, Tall Tale

A round-up of my best Olympic topical tweets:

  • I saw a bird with a large beak run the 100 metres. It turns out I was watching the parrot-lympics.
  • At 72 a Japanese showjumper became the oldest performer at the Games – or at least he was until Ginger Spice sang at the Closing Ceremony.
  • Girls, I know he’s incredibly hot, but David Beckham has so many tattoos on his rock hard body you’d be just as well off shagging a Banksy.
  • The Spice Girls & One Direction played at the Closing Ceremony. Baby Spice is now old enough to be Harry Style’s mum – or his girlfriend…
  • I can’t wait to see dressage in Possil Park at the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. I’ve never seen anyone try and shoplift a horse before.
  • If you think London 2012 was the best games ever then you’ve never played best-of-three naked twister with the Swedish volleyball team.
  • True fact: Even the horses are ashamed that Dressage is an Olympic event.
  • It was sad that Paula Radcliffe couldn’t run the marathon. But, don’t worry, she still took part at home by having a piss on the street for old times sake.
  • True fact: if we’d just won one more Gol, we’d get to keep the Olympics.
  • Half of the women’s marathon runners were wearing caps. The other half wanted to get pregnant.
  • If you think Mo Farah overcame tremendous obstacles in his life to win gold, please remember Greg Rutherford. He’s ginger.
  • True fact: Claire Balding has the wrong name. She is, in fact, surprisingly hairy.
  • The Beijing opening ceremony was brilliant but the Queen jumping out of a helicopter with James Bond is one way to say ‘fuck you, China’.
  • I couldn’t wait for the Olympics to start as it meant the end of that fecking God awful torch relay!
  • In North Korea the national news didn’t show the flag mix-up at Hampden – not when they could show that their team beat Usian Bolt, Michael Phelps and Chris Hoy to win EVERYTHING!
  • And finally, the flag mix-up was not the biggest mistake to appear on a Hampden screen. The SFA once showed Chris Iwelumo in a Scotland shirt.

Comments are closed.