Andy Todd
My made-up life: tall tales and short stories
Topical jokes: April – June
Categories: Opinion, Tall Tale

The best of twitter topical jokes for April and May

May

BBC pundit Alan Shearer’s charity is called ‘Valuing Disability’. He’ll pay £5 for a cripple, £100 for a spastic, and a cool one million pounds for Mark Lawrenson

BBC News asks “Should we stop calling people ‘overweight’?” Yes! If, in return, they stop stuffing their big fat gobs

Parents have been arrested over a Derby house fire that killed six children. In an unusual defence the parents are blaming the deaths on Syrian rebels.

After his u-turn on the Pasty Tax Chancelleor George Osborne saves 20% when he eats humble pie.

Scottish independence is like anal sex. Nice in theory, tricky in practice – and 100 times better without Alex Salmond.

There are just 35 Amur leopards left in the wild. That makes shooting one a bloody great achievement.

At Eurovision 76 year old Englebert Humperdink didn’t embarrass himself on stage. He wore incontinence pants.

Actor Alan Cumming wants Scotland to vote yes for independence. Other things Alan has said yes to: The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas #snp

Rent-a-quote DJ Paul Gambacini has confirmed that when the Lockerbie bomber died he was “working on a new album”.

The Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-megrahi is dead. My thoughts go to his family – and his dear sweet brother, Bertiebaset Al Megrahi.

Watching Chelsea win the Champion League Final is what I imagine it would be like to watch Hitler and the Nazis win World War 2

After making $1.5bn in Facebook flotation U2 singer Bono has promised he will use the money for good. He’ll buy every copy of ‘No Line On The Horizon’ and destroy them!

David Cameron: “I will do whatever necessary to protect Britain’s economy.” – sack George Osbourne?

April

Irony in the USA: conservative Christians who desperately want Govt to stay out of their lives but vote for laws prohibiting gay marriage.

Edward Munch made four versions of The Scream but everyone thinks the first one with Skeet Ulrich was the best

In Bahrain protestors attacked  the F1 grand prix: ‘It’s boring and there’s no overtaking!’ a protestor said

Prince Harry is dating one of The Saturdays. Yet again the band have to settle for a number two.

Falling profits at adult store Ann Summers has led them to cut costs. The Rampant Rabbit will be replaced by Rampant Mutton.

New laws will allow the Government to snoop on your Twitter and Facebook posts. MI5 likes this!

 

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